In life, in general, what brings us power? What makes us feel like we are on the right path? What brings us the strength to say that no matter what comes our way in this never ending stream of events, we can take it in stride? Sometime I find myself not sure if this is a stream of events, or something more in the family of a raging river. This river that is full of rapids, they are rapids that are waiting to pull us under at any second. With the water swirling around us at all times, and the power, the absolute force of the current just begging us to give in and sink to the bottom. When we are consumed with fear of the next turn of the bend, what makes us sure we will have the strength to fight against it, and never the less bring our head up for one more breath of air? Can we paddle hard enough? Can we tread the water long enough to reach a calm stream, or better yet wait until we have reached the serenity of the calm pool at the end? Will the breath we take in be enough to fill our bodies with the energy of the air? The air our bodies, and mind need to struggle on? What gives us the inner power to paddle on? As women it can seem that every waking second is swimming against the ever forceful current. So what is it that makes us strong enough to overcome the power that is so much greater than us?
I find myself in a world of water, whether it is a tide pool, or an ocean. I am constantly treading water to stay afloat. I have believed that one day I would get to shore. I would reach the sand, and the end of the fight will be in front of me. I will have reached my goal at this point. I would be able to bask in the sun with sand between my toes. I would no longer be searching for the career that not only fulfills my desire to explore my passion, but also it would reward me to do so. In this shore, that beach to me represents life’s fulfillment. I would be far from where I was, and I would have reached some distant plain of passion, and responsibility. I would be recognized for my desires to create and inspire, and not only be happy with what I had in a career, but also be compensated for it. I would have a relationship that was not only sturdy, but that could weather the roughest storm. I would have a partner that would be there, always. I would no longer search for something that I did not have. I would no longer try to find compatibility. I would have reached my goals with everything in hand. There would be no more water to tread.
We have all been taught since day one, that this is what we work for. We strive for stability and to find the promise of happiness. To find the life that will bring us all we have ever wanted. I ask myself how can we find what we want if we have never figured out what makes us happy? Have we been led astray? Not only have we been taught that we should be on the search, on the hunt, and have one eye constantly open for happiness at any given minute, but this also has been instilled in us as soon as we could comprehend the English language. Without any time to learn who we were as a person, also before any of our likes and dislikes had formed. We not only had to learn this before we developed our personality, but before we even had experienced our first kiss, let alone employed by our first job. Before any life experience we were told, go hence forth, and find security. We were to find work, men, and family. Without any time to find out whom we were. With the burden of the happiness goal weighing on our immature shoulders, it’s a wonder why a lot of us seem stuck in lives we never wanted. Waking up to the family we never asked for, or on the contrary waking up with no one around. With so many options in the American dream as of today, how do we navigate our way to our very own happiness?
With many of us stopping mid way to ask ourselves where am I? I wonder if we should be asking ourselves “who am I?”, instead. We have found ourselves in a world that is foreign. We have been led to the land that was said to house stability, and a somewhat, shall I say, a zen life. Instead of this contentment, many of us are finding ourselves in our late 20s and 30s with no direction. We wake up looking around to find that comforting face in the dark. We search for the mystical answer to our questions. Not only have we been dropped off in what seems like a desert for an eternity of solitude, but we also have gained a multitude of baggage on the way. So now what? Do we go on blindly searching? Feeling our way through the crowd with a blindfold on? Do we perpetually search for the next person to show us our path? The boyfriend that is as replaceable as those plain black leggings you buy every month once they wear out. Though every time you hope that this next guy will be the one who will not only carry your baggage, but will fill the voids left over. Or do we keep this blindfold upon our eyes, and sit within ourselves? What would happen if we took that eternity to get to know ourselves, in that frightening darkness? What answers would be find in the dark?
Receiving that compliment, drinking that cocktail, getting that paycheck, having sex with the hot male specimen you just met, these are all ways we feel powerful….at that moment. We justify the time we spend unhappy, all of that time we have been lost. We found a moment of validation that helps us forget those feelings we harbor within. Are we using this as a way to help us believe it will be fixed for us? Are we finding hope and solace in the idea we have been waiting for fate to figure this life out for us? That one day the pieces will fall all together the way that we had hoped. Placing the broken glass together to resemble the form we used to be. However what would happen if we did feel the validation of ourselves, gasp, from ourselves?
What happens when we finally do reach that shore? When we have nothing to tread against or swim to? Would we think of the adventures and peril of the past? Would be marvel in how we made it through? Only to wish we had more excitement again in our lives? Would we wish to throw ourselves back into the raging sea? Just to experience the thrill of living again? I find myself curious if the water, if the fight, if the travel is the life. Is that where our absolute power is? In looking back on the fights we have battled through. Remembering the scars we have survived, do we not feel power to treading that water? Is it possible that life is leading us down the ever changing, ever evolving journey of the water? We not only have to learn the changing flow of things, but embrace the hard changes between the calm, and the agitated waters. To adapt and realize our ability to take in the beauty of the slow calm creek, and then in a split second to take a deep breath in and fight as hard as we can to make it through the rough current. To realize even when we get knocked under, to close our eyes and feel the peace of the silence and darkness underneath the rapids. To regain all the strength we have while underneath where nothing can affect us. We are alone, and in the darkness of our own world. We are surrounded by the water we feared, but in the depth we find silence, and ourselves. Alone and submerged with nothing but our own voice until we rise to the surface again. Because I guess in the end we have no control of the flow of the water, or even the power it holds. We only have power in the way we flow within it, and the power we harness while we are in the journey. For once we reach the shore; we may wish to dip our toes back into that water.
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