one of my favorites

Slow down, Lie down,
Remember it's just you and me.
Don't sell out, bow out,
Remember how this used to be.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight


Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me

Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realize all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight


Oh, baby, baby, baby,
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?



Yeah, lay down beside me.

One last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me

where is your head @?

1. Meet someone special
2. Build a relationship
3. Get commitment
4. While always making sure he is up to all the "standards" that have been set
5. Get a ring
6. Have the DREAM wedding
7. Buy a House
8. Have kids/Have career

With all of these rules laid out before us, no wonder we are lost within our own minds. We are missing out on happiness, and relationships. The connections that are right in front of our face. There are so many things we "should" have, "should" be, and "should" like. We are lost inside the image of who we "should" be, we lose sight in who we are at this very moment.
I cant help but wonder if our minds are too occupied with having/finding a relationship, that we are blind to the men all around us. Who is holding your hand? Being your shoulder to cry on? Who is walking by you on the street, giving you a smile? We are oblivious to the everyday attention we get, because we are lost inside the abyss of "why does no one want me?"
Have we been programed to form a stronger relationship with our ideas, than with those around us? Maybe it is time to throw out the ideas of the past, and write our own future. Would you cut out rule #2? Would you forgo all of them except #7? Would you pass on all the traditional ideas of happiness, to buy a home of your own? Happily living independently? Does our true happiness fall inside the lines, or outside? Would we be happier if we colored outside the set lines of the picture? If we stopped worrying about being seen as messy, would you make our own rules? Would you let go of "should"? Maybe forgoing the whole pre-copied picture,and draw our own sketch of the perfect life.

Put a ring on it?

Who doesn't love a little bling? I find myself fawning over every little sparkle that I see. I linger to drool. As I gaze longingly over the shine. It is the idea of a nice, big, rock on my finger. It is easy for me to get swept into the idea of the proposal. To unknowingly be the recipient of not only the new jewelry, but also all of the engagement attention. Even as a woman who isn't sure she wants the married life for herself, I am still captivated by the idea. With the surprise of the big question, and the little box that holds the best jewelry you will ever get, who wouldn't find themselves contemplating.....Happy Ever After?
This slippery slope is one that I visited, briefly. I found myself engaged at the ripe old, and drunk age of twenty-one. Anyone that is passed the binge drinking age, knows that this is probably not the best time to be making life long commitments. Its hard to plan a future when you are blacked out. I found this out the hard way. The relationship consisted of four months of engagement, that followed only the four months of dating. Slippery slope, its a nice way of saying plain immature attempt at being an adult. At the time though it seemed like a sort of good idea. Or at least I talked myself into believing that. I'm not sure I ever thought it would actually happen. I knew that we were both incredibly immature, and I didn't think that was a great equation for lasting love. When adding childish to drunk, things tend to blow up. Then go ahead and multiply this by two, and you my engagement. The attention was fun, and the ring was shall we say, affordable. in the end now I feel like a giant fake when I look back at this. I was an impostor that was using the importance of marriage as a fun activity.
I believe that marriage is something very special. I believe it takes more work that most admit. It takes deep respect, and love. It is special, and I find myself not sure if I am special enough for it. I am not saying that I am not good enough for marriage. I do not know if I can give what it takes for a life long commitment. I see myself loving someone forever, I hope for this. However when I envision this future, I see myself choosing to be there with the loved one every day. I do not want to be held, or have someone held, by a piece of paper. If I find this to be true in my life, If my choice is to never be legally bound to someone else, what do I get?  Do I forgo the party, the gifts, and the ring? Do I get a commitment ring for the devotion, and love I have put into this partnership? Will I then be a woman of fifty with a "boyfriend"? Or would I just have a perpetual engagement?

When choosing other paths do we end screwing ourselves over? Do we miss out on all the fun perks, or do we end up rewarding ourselves in the end?

To be continued.....

 

                                                                            

No lifeguard on duty

In life, in general, what brings us power? What makes us feel like we are on the right path? What brings us the strength to say that no matter what comes our way in this never ending stream of events, we can take it in stride? Sometime I find myself not sure if this is a stream of events, or something more in the family of a raging river. This river that is full of rapids, they are rapids that are waiting to pull us under at any second. With the water swirling around us at all times, and the power, the absolute force of the current just begging us to give in and sink to the bottom. When we are consumed with fear of the next turn of the bend, what makes us sure we will have the strength to fight against it, and never the less bring our head up for one more breath of air? Can we paddle hard enough? Can we tread the water long enough to reach a calm stream, or better yet wait until we have reached the serenity of the calm pool at the end? Will the breath we take in be enough to fill our bodies with the energy of the air? The air our bodies, and mind need to struggle on? What gives us the inner power to paddle on? As women it can seem that every waking second is swimming against the ever forceful current. So what is it that makes us strong enough to overcome the power that is so much greater than us?

I find myself in a world of water, whether it is a tide pool, or an ocean. I am constantly treading water to stay afloat. I have believed that one day I would get to shore. I would reach the sand, and the end of the fight will be in front of me. I will have reached my goal at this point. I would be able to bask in the sun with sand between my toes. I would no longer be searching for the career that not only fulfills my desire to explore my passion, but also it would reward me to do so. In this shore, that beach to me represents life’s fulfillment. I would be far from where I was, and I would have reached some distant plain of passion, and responsibility. I would be recognized for my desires to create and inspire, and not only be happy with what I had in a career, but also be compensated for it. I would have a relationship that was not only sturdy, but that could weather the roughest storm. I would have a partner that would be there, always. I would no longer search for something that I did not have. I would no longer try to find compatibility. I would have reached my goals with everything in hand. There would be no more water to tread.

We have all been taught since day one, that this is what we work for. We strive for stability and to find the promise of happiness.  To find the life that will bring us all we have ever wanted. I ask myself how can we find what we want if we have never figured out what makes us happy? Have we been led astray? Not only have we been taught that we should be on the search, on the hunt, and have one eye constantly open for happiness at any given minute, but this also has been instilled in us as soon as we could comprehend the English language. Without any time to learn who we were as a person, also before any of our likes and dislikes had formed. We not only had to learn this before we developed our personality, but before we even had experienced our first kiss, let alone employed by our first job.  Before any life experience we were told, go hence forth, and find security.  We were to find work, men, and family. Without any time to find out whom we were.  With the burden of the happiness goal weighing on our immature shoulders, it’s a wonder why a lot of us seem stuck in lives we never wanted.  Waking up to the family we never asked for, or on the contrary waking up with no one around. With so many options in the American dream as of today, how do we navigate our way to our very own happiness?

With many of us stopping mid way to ask ourselves where am I? I wonder if we should be asking ourselves “who am I?”, instead.  We have found ourselves in a world that is foreign. We have been led to the land that was said to house stability, and a somewhat, shall I say, a zen life. Instead of this contentment, many of us are finding ourselves in our late 20s and 30s with no direction.  We wake up looking around to find that comforting face in the dark. We search for the mystical answer to our questions. Not only have we been dropped off in what seems like a desert for an eternity of solitude, but we also have gained a multitude of baggage on the way. So now what? Do we go on blindly searching? Feeling our way through the crowd with a blindfold on? Do we perpetually search for the next person to show us our path?  The boyfriend that is as replaceable as those plain black leggings you buy every month once they wear out. Though every time you hope that this next  guy will be the one who will not only carry your baggage, but will fill the voids left over. Or do we keep this blindfold upon our eyes, and sit within ourselves? What would happen if we took that eternity to get to know ourselves, in that frightening darkness? What answers would be find in the dark?

Receiving that compliment, drinking that cocktail, getting that paycheck, having sex with the hot male specimen you just met, these are all ways we feel powerful….at that moment. We justify the time we spend unhappy, all of that time we have been lost. We found a moment of validation that helps us forget those feelings we harbor within. Are we using this as a way to help us believe it will be fixed for us?  Are we finding hope and solace in the idea we have been waiting for fate to figure this life out for us? That one day the pieces will fall all together the way that we had hoped. Placing the broken glass together to resemble the form we used to be. However what would happen if we did feel the validation of ourselves, gasp, from ourselves?

What happens when we finally do reach that shore? When we have nothing to tread against or swim to? Would we think of the adventures and peril of the past? Would be marvel in how we made it through? Only to wish we had more excitement again in our lives? Would we wish to throw ourselves back into the raging sea? Just to experience the thrill of living again? I find myself curious if the water, if the fight, if the travel is the life. Is that where our absolute power is? In looking back on the fights we have battled through. Remembering the scars we have survived, do we not feel power to treading that water? Is it possible that life is leading us down the ever changing, ever evolving journey of the water? We not only have to learn the changing flow of things, but embrace the hard changes between the calm, and the agitated waters.  To adapt and realize our ability to take in the beauty of the slow calm creek, and then  in a split second to take a deep breath in and fight as hard as we can to make it through the rough current.  To realize even when we get knocked under, to close our eyes and feel the peace of the silence and darkness underneath the rapids. To regain all the strength we have while underneath where nothing can affect us. We are alone, and in the darkness of our own world. We are surrounded by the water we feared, but in the depth we find silence, and ourselves.  Alone and submerged with nothing but our own voice until we rise to the surface again. Because I guess in the end we have no control of the flow of the water, or even the power it holds. We only have power in the way we flow within it, and the power we harness while we are in the journey. For once we reach the shore; we may wish to dip our toes back into that water.